Just laying low; ready to Jump

I haven't been around much. I haven't been feeling the greatest lately. It's not that I've been sick as in the way Y was. And thank god the meds finally kicked in and she's over the strep. I've been dealing with health issues of my own. I don't talk about them because, well... I just don't. But I don't like how they've affected my day to day routine.

I have hypothyroidism - and I'm on medication for it. I have clinical depression and anxiety disorder and am on medication for those, as well as see a therapist. I was recently diagnosed with mixed sleep apnea. I get fitted for a cpap mask next Friday night. I'll have to wear it every night for the rest of my life.

I have a lot of crap going on with me. All of these conditions tend to feed off of each other or work together to influence how I feel, and sometimes it's really horrible. That's why I take medication and see therapists. I want to be in control of my life, not the other way around. But sometimes, when one or more of these conditions is out of sync my whole body is too. That's what's going on right.

For little over a month now I've felt not quite right. I've gone on with my daily tasks and J had a successful birthday party, but it's all been done with such effort. Instinctively, I knew something was out of place. Something had fallen out of sync. I had a feeling my thyroid levels had gone up. I was beginning to show symptoms like I had before: my depression was getting worse, dry skin and hair, inability to focus and concentrate the way I used to, total lack of energy. I just felt run down. Add to that I'm now acutely aware of my apnea and I've been fixating on it. I think, as a result, my nights have gotten more sleepless, or when I do sleep it's an hour here, an hour there. I wake up tired and so drained. I swear, next Friday can't get here soon enough.

I talked to my endocrinologist and he agreed to blood work. As I thought, my levels were up. I was put on a new, higher dosage. That was two weeks ago and I'm now beginning to feel better. I can feel my depression lessening, my skin and hair don't feel as dry and I'm able to focus again. However, I'm still dealing with the untreated apnea.

Even so, I'm on my way to feeling better.

Feeling this bad made me not want to blog or comment on anybody elses. The energy just wasn't there. Everything felt like an effort.

One thing I noticed going into the end of the week is that things with J have been much smoother. The last two mornings have been the old, usual routine. There haven't been any power struggles or J yelling at me. It's been easy and uneventful.

This morning I made a comment about how we were making good time and J looked at me and smiled and said, "You're in a better mood, Mom."

I asked him what he meant and he told me, "You haven't been happy. Y saw it too."

I told him it's not that I haven't been happy; I haven't been feeling good.

He nodded and said, "And that makes you not happy. And when you're not happy neither am I."

J has always been able to pick up on my moods, and he reacts in a way that's best, or not always best, for him. I forget this from time to time and it's clear I did again. Looking back I can see my anxiety was really high worrying over what was going on with me. J picked up on all that but didn't know how to process or deal with it. As a result it added to the behaviors and attitude he's been displaying.

I feel awful about this. The last thing I want is my moods or own issues to affect J the way they did. It's not fair to him and he shouldn't have to try and figure out and deal with something that he has no control over. And I think that was it. He knew something was wrong with me, he didn't know what and he had no idea how to take control of it and make it go away. He was put in an emotional situation that he didn't deserve to be in. And I put him there.

We're talking more about what happens at school every day and/or what's bothering him. But he's never mentioned anything about me. I don't think he knew how because he couldn't understand it in the first place. Thankfully, he and I see our respective therapists soon and we can talk to them about how to deal with this kind of situation and avoid it escalating to the point that it got. I also think he and I need to talk more when I'm not feeling good. I want him to understand what I feel isn't something he needs to take on and get control over. That's my job. All he needs to do is focus on himself. We need to figure out how to do that.


My feeling better, the kids and I are seeing Jumper tonight. We're all very excited. I wrote earlier how J is able to identify with the lead character. We'll see tonight if that still holds true. Regardless, it looks like a cool movie and we can't wait to see it.