Where J is at and when he's the teacher and I'm the learner

J has been in the program at PSt.J for a week-and-a-half now. And before anyone even thinks I made him go there guess again. It's J's choice to go because he wants to have a better understanding of some of the things he does and why. I haven't forced him to go so if anybody thinks that then they don't know a damned thing about me or this family.

I've tried very hard to understand J and work with him and what works best - what he thinks is best for him. I try and accomodate him the best that I can but there are times when we have to compromise so that a particular outcomes benefits all of us here in the home, not just him. But that doesn't mean I'm trying to change him. puh-leese, far from it.

I'm saying this because I don't want people thinking - and I have a hunch some do from my last post - that I'm trying to change him. That's the farthest from the truth. But I will admit I worry because he's showing an increased amount of aggression and violence and his impulse control isn't what it used to be. And these things are worrying J too.

Something that has been noticed and discussed is the fact that J's aggression and violence isn't something exclusive to his previous middle school. The same things have happened at his current school and at PSt.J. He hasn't gotten his way with something, or he didn't like how something was done - in this most recent incident he was last for a game and he didn't like it. He wanted to be first and when he wasn't he got really mad about it - and he gets very angry and lashes out. He throws things, goes after people and tries to break things. These weren't isolated incidents because of Central's inability and unwillingness to accomodate him. This has happened elsewhere. This concerns me and J both, especially J because he doesn't like that he's doing this stuff and he's afraid they'll get worse and he'll end up hurting someone. He doesn't want to that. So this is something that's being addressed at PSt. J as well as here at home.

Is this changing him? Hardly. I don't believe so. I see it as him getting something under control and understanding what and why triggers his reactions.

Now that is one area where something is going to change. How I address things. J told me today that when he gets upset and lashes out those aren't behaviors he's showing. Those are actions and reactions to something that has stressed him out and upset him. He told me his behaviors are what he does every single day of his life and what make him, him. He asked me to stop calling certain things behaviors because they're not. He pointed out a difference to me and it makes a lot of sense. So I'm going to make a concerted effort to make sure I address his actions as actions and not call them behaviors. Because it's these actions we want under control, but the behaviors we don't want to change or make go away.